If you are on this page, more than likely you are feeling confused, angry, helpless and hopeless, or even betrayed.  You may have discovered your partner is having an affair, chatting and flirting with people online, viewing pornography frequently, or other “inappropriate” behaviors.  You are not alone! It is estimated that approximately 10 million addicts and partners in the United States alone suffer from sex addiction. We seldom talk about sex addiction and often feel ashamed, blaming ourselves for not recognizing the signs or being there for our loved ones.

It is important to understand that an evaluation for sex addiction can only be completed by a trained mental health professional. In an assessment, specific behaviors are evaluated and often testing is completed to help the clinician determine if sex addiction is present.  Each individual case is unique. Your partner may be doing things and/or behaving in certain ways that do strongly indicate the presence of addiction and those behaviors should not be discounted. The best thing you can do when you suspect addiction is to talk to a specially trained professional about your concerns. He or she can best help you determine how to approach the subject with your partner and make a plan that will ensure the safety of you, your partner, and children (if applicable).

“You can learn to trust again… There is a whole world of other people out there who are willing to walk beside you. Take the time to take care of yourself, reach out for support, and pursue your dreams.”

– Sonja Rudie, MA, CSAT – Mending a Shattered Heart (2011), pg. 145

What is Sex Addiction?

Sex addiction is not the same thing as infidelity or an excuse to “behave badly.” Unfortunately, if your partner had an affair, while still incredibly traumatic to discover, it may be simply an affair and not a sign of addiction. Sex addiction is pattern of compulsive behavior that progresses and escalates until the addict’s life spirals out of control. The addict continues these behaviors even though his or her life may be crumbling around him or her. If you are concerned or are feeling upset about what is going on in your relationship, please reach out to an IITAP-trained therapist who can help you figure out what to do next and make sure you are safe.

How Did I Not Know?

Sex addiction thrives in secrecy. Because society, overall, does not easily discuss sex or sexual behaviors, addicts are able to go to great lengths to maintain their secrets and protect their double lives. Partners may be kept completely in the dark about the sexual acting out or may be aware of some of the behaviors, but not the extent. As with any addiction, the automatic deceit and ability to maneuver around or out of complicated situations is second nature. Addicts can become so immersed in their double life, they convince their partners that their sexual acting out behaviors are the result of the partners’ issues or failures.

You may begin questioning your entire relationship with the addict or feel like you are going crazy. These are both acceptable responses to what you are experiencing. Healing from this traumatic discovery is a recovery process in and of itself. Seeing support and qualified help during this time is essential.

In the digital age parents face challenges that no earlier generations faced. Digital media has been so helpful to us, absolutely essential to our modern lives, and, seemingly benign. But parents who are struggling to manage tech use in their families know just how difficult the task is.

So, why bother?

Because there are challenges that children must experience and master in order for their development to be normal and healthy. If they do not master these tasks, their whole future is likely to be negatively impacted. Starting from birth they need loving attention, consistent boundaries, contact with nature, lots of movement, and opportunity to interact socially.

What do you think happens if children and their care-givers are interacting with digital devices rather than with one another and the environment? Think about a nursing mother who loves her child but uses nursing time as an opportunity to check her Facebook page on her smart phone. No eye contact, because she’s not looking at her baby, means that this first, crucial opportunity to bond is not going well, potentially leading to anxiety in the infant.

What happens if an elementary-age child in first grade, say, spends all her/his spare time playing video games instead of playing with other kids at games that aren’t digital? Can you see how his or her social skills might be detrimentally impacted, leading to social anxiety and social avoidance?

These are just a few examples of the many ways that digital media can hijack a child’s development.

Digital media is not the enemy. If used appropriately, it enhances all of our lives. But knowing what is appropriate for a child’s age and stage of development is important. And getting guidance as you, the parents, figure out how to make the home a digitally healthy environment is essential. There are several excellent books that discuss these matters, among them Reset Your Child’s Brain: a Four Week Plan to End Meltdowns, Raise Grades and Boost Social Skills by Reversing the Effects of Electronic Screen Time (Victoria Dunckley, 2015); Virtual Child: The Terrifying Truth about What Technology is doing to Our Children (Cris Rowan, 2010), and Video Games and Your Kids: How Parents Stay in Control (Hilarie Cash and Kim McDaniel, 2018).

And, if your family needs professional help, you can find that help here, with the therapists who are trained by IITAP.

Technology Safety

In today’s world, kids are online almost constantly, potentially exposed to all sorts of inappropriate content and contacts. One relatively effective way to protect them is to install “parental control” software on their devices. DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT TELLING THEM. Your kids will realize you’ve done it, and your unilateral decision will create a huge resentment. As such, it is best to tell kids in advance that you are going to install protective software – not because you want to spy on them, but because you want to protect them. You might also explain that as long as they aren’t trying to access inappropriate content or talk to someone who might be dangerous, the software does nothing at all. Sometimes you can get kids “on board” by giving them input when selecting the level of filtering/blocking and accountability/parental notification. Usually, when kids feel they’ve had a say in the matter, protective measures are much better received. When shopping for protective software, you should consider the following:

Customizable Filtering and Blocking. Nearly all protective software products have preset filtering levels – ranging from levels appropriate for young children to young adults. The better ones offer customizable filtering, with blacklisting of specific sites/apps that would otherwise be
allowed and whitelisting of specific sites/apps that would otherwise be blocked. Secondary Filtering and Blocking Features. In addition to website filtering and blocking, most products offer several secondary features, including:

• Online search filtering and blocking
• App blocking
• Social media blocking
• Instant message/chat blocking
• File transfer blocking (preventing the sending and/or receiving of pictures, videos, and other large data files)
• Video game filtering
• Profanity blocking

Recording and Reporting (Accountability) Features. Ideally, protective software products monitor your child’s online activity and provide you with usage reports (either regularly scheduled or on demand), along with real-time alerts if/when your child uses (or attempts to use) his or her digital device in a prohibited way. Recording and reporting features may include:

• Websites visited
• Online searches
• Social networking
• Usernames and passwords
• IM/chat
• Email
• Screenshot playback

Ease of Use

The software should be easy to install and to customize. Ideally, you should be able to globally configure the software, establishing settings on all of your kids’ devices simultaneously instead of dealing with each machine individually. The best products offer free tech support via email, phone, and even live chat. Compatibility. Not all products work on every digital device. In fact, many are quite limited (and therefore not recommended for kids, who usually have a wide array of devices on which they can access the Internet and/or interact with others). It is important to make sure a product works on all of your children’s device(s) before you purchase it. It is also important to see how many devices the license covers. Ideally, you want to cover all of your children’s digital equipment with only one license. Generally speaking, Net Nanny is the most useful product for protecting kids. It’s relatively affordable, usable on pretty much any device, and it works. (There are sectarian solutions for people seeking them, such as Guard Your Eyes for Jews and Covenant Eyes for Christians.) It is important to note that no parental control software is infallible. The simple truth is most kids can find a way around even the best of these products if they really want to. As such, these products should not be looked at as enforcers of your will. Instead, they should be considered tools of effective parenting, best used in conjunction with an ongoing series of honest, open-minded, nonjudgmental conversations about the healthy use of digital technology.

That may sound silly at first. If I know I have a problem, why wouldn’t I be ready to change it? Think about some other issue you’ve tried to change. When did you first realize it was an issue and when did you actually begin doing something about it (if you have)? Often these timeframes do not match up. Maybe it has mainly been others suggesting that there is a problem. This is when many people end up first seeking help – at the request (or insistence) of those around you who may have been impacted by your sexual behaviors (or have seen the impact on you). While this may start the process, over time you likely will need to decide for yourself where your desire to change comes from.

Fortunately, you don’t have to wait until all of these questions are answered to start getting help! Having mixed emotions about change is an expected part of the process. Even though doing something about the problem may bring a lot of positive changes, it can also be scary and uncomfortable. This doesn’t have to be resolved to begin – you just need to be open to exploring and discussing those thoughts and feelings. If you’re open to this, then there’s a good chance you’re ready to move forward.

Written by: Dr. Greg Futral, PhD, CSAT Supervisor

Finding Help

In reaching out for help, you will find you are not alone. Pursuing treatment will reduce the shame you feel and provide you with tools for change. Many sex addicts and their partners say they have been to therapy, but it has not been helpful….until they have begun therapy with a CSAT trained therapist. An IITAP trained CSAT or a treatment center with CSAT staff will help ensure you get the most effective treatment available. Look for a CSAT who offers both individual and group therapy. If you are in a crisis situation, a good next step is to begin treatment at an inpatient treatment center or intensive. After the intensive or inpatient program, you can continue therapy with a CSAT in your area. Books such as Out of the Shadows, Facing the Shadow, and Facing Heartbreak are great resources to get you started.

Professional Help

Sex Addiction is a delicate issue, at IITAP we have dedicated our lives to creating the most robust tools to help therapists properly diagnose and treat these conditions. We have a training system in place that enables therapists to become certified to use these tools and techniques. Our CSAT trained therapists can help you on your journey.

What Do I Do Now?

Finding out your partner is or may be a sex addict can be extremely traumatizing. There are a million thoughts running through your head and you are probably wondering what to do next. If you don’t have an IITAP-trained therapist to talk to, there are some critical steps you can take, including the following:

• Get tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), whether you believe the addict has been sexually active with another person or not.
• Use protection or abstain from sex with the addict.
• Find a therapist for yourself from a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), many CSATs even specialize in working with partners .
• Work with your therapist to set initial boundaries for self-protection (remember, actions speak louder than words!).
• Be mindful of who you confide in, and we caution you against making threats to your partner or telling several people about what is going on. Work with your therapist to determine who in your support system is a safe person to talk to about this. Confide in a select few trusted individuals who can support you.

While it may be in your nature to want to take care of the addict first, it is important to remember to take care of yourself. You need to be sure you are safe, cared for, and are able to find the support you need. This is only the beginning and the journey will undoubtedly be tough, so making sure you are able to take care of yourself first it of utmost importance.